Surviving The Slump

It happens to every bachelor at some point. It’s called The Dry Spell, and it seems to come around every six months or so to remind you that humility is the foundation of a balanced mind. It also serves the purpose of reminding you how much time you haven’t been spending with your dude friends (and why).
If you aren’t Brad Pitt, chances are that you won’t have a steady stream of smart, sexy women lining up to go out with you for the rest of your life. In fact, most of us who aren’t movie stars would count ourselves lucky to have a steady stream of ugly, stupid women waiting at our doorstep.

A Dry Spell builds upon itself like a snowball, picking up all those bits and pieces of your self-esteem and then unceremoniously dumping them at your doorstep. As your personal stock goes down, so does the attention from women. I have never been able to figure this out; it’s as if women have a collective subconscious that immediately notifies them that you’ve been recently rejected. The Loser Alert kicks into high gear and even that pudgy girl who used to put her Yoga mat next to yours gives you a dirty look when you ask for her number.

A seasoned bachelor knows it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

I had been fortunate. I dated two super-hot, sexy women in a row without down time, and I’d gotten used to it. But Corporate Kitten was long gone, and Hot Yoga Girl had disappeared like smoke in the wind. A few non-answered texts had dissolved the fledgling relationship before it went anywhere. I was on my own again.

When I started getting drunk at the Bristol and hitting on the hostess, I knew I was in trouble. There were only two directions to go – and one of them was very, very, depressing. I decided to adjust my attitude.

I compiled these “Rules for Digging Out of a Slump”:

  1. Don’t get drunk and hit on the hostess at the Bristol. Ever.
  2. Every girl is a prospect: Even if you don’t find her attractive, chances are she has at least two hot friends you’d like to meet.
  3. Don’t go to the dark side: Complaining about how much you hate women to women does not score any points. People want to be around happy people. Don’t be a downer.
  4. Hang out with guy friends: Women don’t trust a guy who doesn’t have guy friends. It looks shady.
  5. Don’t hang out at bars alone: This looks desperate. Women can smell desperation a mile away. If you must hang out at a place alone, pick a spot and make it your hangout. Don’t hit on the staff, however, it will only make you look more desperate.
  6. Take attractive female friends out: Women are attracted to men who are with attractive women. Even if they’re just your friends, the other women at the bar, restaurant, theater or charity event don’t know that. All they see is you, with a beautiful woman.
  7. Don’t look for dates at a bar: The chance that girls you meet at a bar are alcoholics is about 70 percent. Girls are always on their guard at bars, plus there are 15 other guys with the same idea swarming around like piranha. The more options a girl has, the less likely you are to get her attention. Try a Yoga class. The girls will be healthier and friendlier, and there are always twice as many females as males. Another good idea is volunteering at an animal shelter – you’ll immediately appear to be less shady and more sympathetic. There are always cute girls working at animal shelters (and you’ll be helping your community).
  8. Never lower your standards: If you choose “available” over “desirable” you’ll only be hurting yourself, and it will negatively affect your attitude. And remember, it’s what YOU find desirable, not society – your self-esteem will plummet just as badly from a beautiful woman you aren’t attracted to, even if everyone else is.

Of course, I would systematically break every single one of these rules in the following six months. Giving advice is easy. Taking advice … Well, you see where I’m going with this. Some day it’ll all be over. Right?