By R. CHASE
When a girl from North Bend, Ohio, kisses you after you eat (slightly) raw octopus, you know sheâ€™s a keeper.
Blame it on my lingering West Coast mentality, but I always assume that everyone is accustomed to eating little slices of raw seafood with a pair of wooden sticks. Not so in the heart of the American Midwest. She poked at her sushi plate skeptically, trying to get up the courage to try something that secretly brought bile to the back of her throat. But I watched her bravely put the little piece of tuna into her mouth and chew.
â€œItâ€™s goodâ€¦â€ she lied, probably stifling the urge to vomit, but just in that tiny act of courage alone, she won my heart. I kissed her outside the restaurant, while she was getting in the car. She was young, cute, and had an amazingly proportioned, muscular body that was taut under the folds of her jeans as she pressed against my body.
She was the end of the quest. The perfect fit.
A woman to whom I could proudly point at any time of day or night and call: Girlfriend.
She was devoid of craziness, bitchiness or any other personality challenges that might otherwise soil the possibility of a decent relationship.
She was the perfect girl for a down-to-earth, well-adjusted human being. Any sane, rational man would succumb to her simple and reasonable demands for attention and respect. She was a decent, loving woman.
So, now that Iâ€™m single again, Iâ€™ve decided to offer you a profound Internet list on how to reboot your adult bachelor life with the best results.
Whatever sad mÃ©lange of personality disorders that have made you choose to be single at forty-one, you have to reassess your personal style every decade. Refusing this is a one-way ticket to Creepsterville. Do you really want to be wearing pleated pants with a comb-over, asking young girls to â€œjam outâ€ to some Phish shows at your pad after treating them to Veal Parmesan at IHOP?
Older men are resistant to change because they believe that whatever they were wearing and doing when they got laid the most is the look they should keep for the rest of their life.
Itâ€™s called â€œsuperstitious behavior,â€ and it involves the belief that a set of behaviors that previously brought about a desired result will continue to do so, when in fact, it wonâ€™t.
So the message here is: throw away that braided belt, get out of the â€˜90s, and start making some changes to your wardrobe, your music, and your style!
Itâ€™s all about a few simple rules:
1. Get a copy of GQ. Wear what the guy on the cover is wearing. Seriously. If that guy has on skinny jeans, a rainbow cravat and a Red Skelton t-shirt go buy that exact outfit. DO NOT look in the mirror before you go out. DO NOT pay attention to your idiot friend who makes fun of you. Heâ€™s been wearing the same polo shirt since 1998, which is the last time a woman other than the weird chick at the gym found him sexually attractive.
2. STOP listening to whatever music youâ€™re listening to. Delete it from your phone. Immediately. If you MUST listen to U2, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden, Led Zeppelin, or any other lame bands that were cool 20 years ago, do it in the privacy of your home. There are a million new bands putting music out every second. You can find stuff you like.
3. Stop offering to buy girls drinks. Offering to buy a strange girl a drink at a bar is now considered creepy and weird. The cheaper and more likely said cocktail is to get them drunk, the creepier it is.
4. Get a new haircut. Yes, I know youâ€™ve had that style since the Lambda-Theta-Beta days, and you never had any problem with the ladies back then. But they were sloppy drunk on Jaegermeister, and they actually wanted to hook up with your hotter roommate, but just got lazy. Find a stylist. Spend more than $30. Experiment. Find something modern that works for you. Grow a beard. Just change something.
5. Stop going to â€œshows.â€ Adult men donâ€™t go to â€œshowsâ€ unless they own either the band or the bar. Taking girls to shows on a date is the stupidest thing you can do. They will insist on getting as close to the band as possible, and daydreaming of hooking up with the bass player until they realize they have to go home with you. Performing musicians will always make you look like a boring loser.
So thatâ€™s it. Itâ€™s not rocket science. Following these simple rules can keep you from falling into the desperate sinkhole of Creepy Old Man Syndrome. Women always appreciate an â€œolder man,â€ but theyâ€™ll NEVER appreciate an â€œoldâ€ man.
So donâ€™t ever be one.
R. Chase is a local writer and surveyor of single life on the Bourbon Trail. Follow him on twitter at @_Rchase.